Poo Poo

T. Rex, roaring at us; yesterday.

I have to go pee pee! I have to go pee pee! Fluffy said as we were on our way to the bathroom at Panera Bread where we stopped for lunch before we saw Walking With Dinosaurs.

I came along, as I always do, to either compulsively wash hands or practice various expressions in the mirror or to, surprisingly, use the neighboring stall. This time, I applied lipstick. Just as Fluffy came out of his door, he froze, blanched, and then announced with alarm, I have to go poo poo!

I wonder what it feels like to him, you know, inside? I wonder how that sensation is experienced? He seems to greet it with a combination of great concern and exhiliration, like I might feel should I be racing to the door to greet Barack Obama and a camera crew when I suddenly realize my used tampon is still sitting on the side of the tub where I left it that morning while in the shower.

There also seems to be a new found sense of privacy that propels him to announce, I have to go poo poo! in a loud register at home, calling up with this news to Dave who is drawing his cartoons in the loft office or maybe even on the phone with his editor discussing the latest f & g’s (And doesn’t that sounds like a swear? a literary swear? the goddamn f & g’s are at it again...)

I’ve noticed he doesn’t yell it when other people are around. Then he whispers it to me with his mouth so close to my ear, little Fluffy spittle sprays out of my opposite ear. It's indecipherable. Even to me who knows what he is saying when he’s got an entire half a sandwich crammed in his mouth because I said he could have dessert once he finished his lunch.

But I know what he’s saying. He has to go poo poo.

He doesn’t want anyone to go in there while he’s in there. Is it so that no one will see him do his personal business? Or so no one will catch him tapping out the tune of Star Wars on the back of the toilet tank with the top of the toilet seat?

In the bathroom at Panera, I said, What perfect timing! I can’t think of a better time to have to go poo poo than right now!

I can think of the LEAST perfect timing! he said as he disappeared behind the stall door.

Oh?

Yes, mommy! The least perfect time to have to go poo poo would be when you were throwing up!

How did he know?

Fluffy loved Walking With Dinosaurs. It was a good mixture of information and thrill. In fact, he could have gone for more thrill, specifically more battles and quite possibly, blood. Our collective peak moment was when T Rex came barreling over to us in all his gigantic magnificence and let out a roar that displaced our spleens. The three of us contracted into a human egg shape and screamed.

It’s not for the little ones or the faint at heart. I saw quite a few in the hall, trembling, their faces streaming with tears. Mothers and Grandmothers hunched over them saying, But it’s not real! It’s pretend! as they playfully shook florescently-colored dinosaur dolls at them. It’s just a show!

It was. A show. I was glad Fluffy had a good time. If you’re on the fence, I’d say skip it. It’s pricey, it could have been half the length (but you gotta have that intermission to push the merchandise! and hot dogs! more hot dogs!) and the dinosaurs? They’re either sporting extra legs or they’re mounted atop slabs of rock that are really very small cars with people inside, driving them hither and yon:

I wanted to be taken back in time! like the couple said they were in the promotional video! I wanted to be scared out of my wits, plucked from my seat by that dastardly T Rex rascal and then rescued by the gentle plant eaters, who would be all, Dude, that's mightily uncool, dude. She, like, paid a thousand dollars for those seats, man.

Still, the robotics are mighty impressive.

Now, when a dinosaur has to go poo poo what does he do? Lets it fly right there on the stage. And did you know? Within the brown ball lurks a dung beetle just waiting for a chance to eat its way out.

Hmm.

I’m glad to say, Fluffy missed that bit of trivia. Can you imagine the urgency he’d feel?

Comments

[Jennifer]

Hm, privacy? What's that? Nope, I wouldn't know anything about that I'm afraid. When I'm on the pot, the kids see me as a captive audience.

And yes, Fluffy, the worst time to throw up is when you have to poo. Trust me, I know. Too funny, that kid!

[camerashymomma]

wow, it must have been a poo poo kind of day... it was on our mind too!

great photos of t. rex!

[~ danielle]

This is one of those times where you're talking about Fluffy and I'm blown away at how similar he is to Bub - though Bub refuses to even go into a public bathroom until I've given the all clear on the 'automatic flusher status'. Bub needing 'privacy', started about a year ago. He insists, then pretty much as soon as the door shuts he hollers he's done and when I open the door he's jack knifed over waiting for me to do my part in the whole thing. My niece requested wiping until she was like 9... my sister used to say she felt like a quarterback whenever she responded to my niece's cries for assistance in the bathroom. Ah poop... what would we talk about if there wasn't poop??

[drama mama]

Dude the tampon. Barack. Hilarious.
What is this Panera everyone raves about? Inquiring minds need to know.

Poo poo IS fascinating. I just lectured about scatological humor today. Fluffy is very European. He'd be a hit in France, with his poo-poo.

As for the dinosaur show, I love all of it, those shows with my kids. Even the hotdogs and $12 souveneir programs.

[Marla]

Yes, when you are throwing up is the worst. We have one toilet. Oh, how we know!

Those pictures are great.

[Autismland]

Now if the dinosaur had done it, that might have gotten everyone really running (sorry for the unintended sleight of word!)!

[Lori at Spinning Yellow]

I agree with Jordan! That was some review. The worst time to have to go poo poo is when you have to throw up - priceless!!

[Jordan]

Kyra, you can write a review like no one else. This is hilarious!

[kyra]

Amy and KC's mom: i entirely relate! fluffy may ask, indeed, INSIST on privacy for himself but for me? no go. the instant i'm in the bathroom, he's in after me, chatting away, often helping himself to a seat on my lap!

[niksmom]

Oh my goodness! Poor Fluffy and the poo-poo! Hope it all came out ok (nyuck-nyuck-nyuck)!

Glad you enjoyed the show, even if you weren't exactly transported.

[KC'sMommy]

Privacy, wow I almost forgot that word, K.C. busts in on me all the time when I am in the bathroom. Come to think of it Big Brother does too! It's weird cause when I am out in the living room with the boys they are always busy doing their own things but as soon as I get up to use the bathroom two seconds later K.C. is busting in on me or Big Brother is knocking saying, "Mom, Mom, what a re you doing in there?" Gotta love em!

So glad to hear Walking With The Dinosaurs was great!

I watched Autism The Musical, there was a little boy in the video that reminded me of Fluffy! He was a very blond little boy, extremely smart and also loves dinos!

[amy]

I don't know, I could use a bit of privacy on the poo issue some days. (Most days?) I never get poo privacy, of course. My little guy neglected to use the toilet today for his. And the older one, it's still a long drawn-out process. From the first bite of rice cereal right through now, six years later, it's a process. Motherhood=a lot of poop patrol.

I'm glad y'all enjoyed the dinosaurs. How awful for those terrified kids.