I Love Marrit

I'm reading Inconsolable, by Marrit Ingman and you must too. She is my new hero. Her writing is rollicking and riotous and searingly honest. It's an account of her post partum depression and even though I didn't have PPD during the first year of Fluffy's life, I think I must be having a bit of it now; either that or a smattering of post traumatic stress syndrome.

She writes with such energy and precision and humor and passion and HONESTY. She makes me wince and gasp and laugh out loud; she makes me want to lean over and read passages to complete strangers waiting alongside me on the loooooong benches in the DMV. She makes me want to reprint whole chapters on my blog which I won't do but I will print this:

    "Nora Ephron has said that a baby is like a hand grenade thrown into a marriage. She's absolutely right. Though maybe it's more like a dirty bomb. I've heard people say that parenthood will fix their relationships, will make their women nurturing and their men faithful. That's the biggest fucking lie in the whole world. Having a baby will push your relationship to the very end of its elasticity. You will discover your limits as a person, possibly for the first time in your life. You will be happier than you've ever felt; you will be angrier than you've ever been."

And this:

   "The weird thing about becoming a parent with a partner is that you go through all this shit, you have these horrible fights that spiral out of control, and you want to keep your mouth shut but you can't; you have to make one more hurtful comment, you have to push one more button, you have to twist the knife and rip and tear and cause just a little more pain before you'll be satisfied. But when it's over, you're both still there. You exchange looks full of meaning: Wow, all that and the smoke cleared and we're both still here. You are the most tenacious motherfuckers on the goddamn planet Earth. You are the parenting equivalent of Legionnaires. When all this is over, you will get French citizenship and a comfortable pension. You are so badass, you deserve your own blaxploitation theme song that plays when you walk down the street."

I love Marrit. She is making me laugh out loud and I don't do enough of that these days. NOT ENOUGH. I love the laughing out loud. It's on the top of my love list. You can keep your chocolate hearts on Valentine's Day and just send me a case load of the laughing out loud in recognition and relief that there is this person out there with courage enough to lay it all out there and do it with such skill.

I love this book so much I will gift it to one of you, my dear readers, for Valentine's Day. If you want to be in the running, all you have to do is leave a comment and I will put all the names in a hat and pick one at random. Any comment will do, but if you're feeling brave you may say something about what you've found hard about being a mom. And feel free to say it without guilt, without explanation, without fear. Because being a mom is magnificent and it's also very very very hard. Both things are true and I, for one, don't find enough of the hard being talked about on this good green earth.

Comments

[Online pharmacy]

She writes with such energy and precision and humor and passion and HONESTY.

[Panic disorders]

Although there are many descriptions of this condition, the occurrence of panic attacks has increased. It is the frequency of these attacks that has now got many seeking a positive diagnosis. However, patients require to have had the symptoms for over one month to be confirmed.

[~ danielle]

I cannot wait to read this book - it sounds like just what I need right now. We had one of our more rough days the other day, those days when you fantasize about taking the tax return and getting a one way ticket to anywhere but here (and preferably somewhere warm). And the following day I found myself wracked with anxiety as Bub was getting ready to go to a hockey game with my aunt for the evening (he doesn't actually watch the game, he helps her help the mascot dress for the game and do her mascot thing - he's totally into it) - I kept having visions of him being kidnapped and swooped away in a sea of people. I almost couldn't let him go (and I made sure to remind him to stay right with my aunt, without freaking him out of course). One day I want to be far away from him and everyone, the next, I want to promptly place him in a little bubble right by my side. No one tells you that motherhood comes with so much confusion, anger, turmoil, and pain.

[Anamaria]

The sleep. It sounds like a simple answer to a good hard question, but I've found that so much good hard stuff is bound into how we (my husband and I) approach the sleep: what we want for our children, what we want to share with them, what we want for ourselves. In my case, that would be...a little more sleep. Sometimes that's not compatible with the answers to questions 1 and 2, though.

[suburban misfit]

The only thing I *haven't* found difficult about motherhood is loving my children.

Everything else, including whether or not I like them on any given day, is harder than I ever thought it would be.

But I've learned that I can take just about anything and I'll still wake up the next morning and want to keep doing this thing.

[kyra]

felicity! i can't comment on her blog either! i wish i could! but i'm not a blogspotter-something-or-other and it pains me because she SO OFTEN inspires the urge to comment!

[Felicity]

So many good comments, I'm sorry I came in so late. But don't put my name in the hat, I don't want the book because I'm frustrated that I can't comment at Marrit's blog without jumping thru hoops. Well that's not very true, I'm not mad, but I don't think I need or deserve the book.
Of course we all love Anne Lamott but not so much now that her kid is older, we're on to newer writers, right?
I'm right with Octoberbabies...when I had Pippy the big bright bulb came on over my head: Oh my god! My parents SUCKED and in more than just the benign neglect of the 70's ways! Which then made me think I was a complete GENIUS at parenting by comparison.
I never ever wanted kids til suddenly at 22 I absolutely DID and got pg right away. I never took any of it seriously. I still kind of don't. I'm doing my best for these kids and I hope they don't have to use too much of their disposable income on therapy.
Re spouses...oh, you're supposed to still be standing there? My inclination is to scream swear hurt and then run away as far and as fast as I can.

[Jane]

This is ALL so true! And so scary sometimes. I agree about learning so much more about your spouse. As I type this I am watching my hubby and 5 year old hang a bird house over the driveway. (I wish I didn't paint it silver. It's blinding me) The things you are all saying are things that only other parents can understand, I think. I have a friend that is considering having kids only because her husband wants them (she never did) and I worry for her and any future children because the reality will hit her so hard.

Then again, I WANTED children and it hit me like a train.

[Kristina Chew]

Mom-dom has enabled me to be what I could never be, pre-Charlie.

[knq]

I sware motherhood brings out the anxiety/panic disorders in ALL OF US. Like everyone else has said we are all constanting "en guarde" - listening, learning, watching, withholding...

And the book sounds fabulous! I want it... and if I don't win, I'll buy it. I got preggo only 7 months into dating my now husband - so, we didn't have much time to learn about each other - it was all thrown in together *marriage/babies/life* and it was hard. VERY HARD. The bomb analogy is brill.

[octoberbabies]

I know this is a horrible thing to say, but it wasn't til I became a mom that I realized just how bad MY mom was at motherhood.

[kyra]

OH MY GOD! i am related to everything you gals have said. yes, laura! having kids is like fitting a whole new TELEPHOTO lens on when viewing one's spouse; yes, gretchen! the office totally cracks me up and i'm FOREVER ON MY GUARD; yes, mom-nos! fluffy finds me whenver i'm on the toilet and backs into my lap, regardless of where i am in the toilet-going moment, he just sidles on in, finds my lap, and keeps on chatting about the sun or super novas or white blood cells, etc. etc.

[mom-nos]

Someday - and I'm not sure when, but I am clinging to the belief that it will happen someday - SOMEDAY I will once again sit on the toilet and let my body do what it wants to do - EVERYTHING it wants to do - ALL in one session - without having a shouted conversation through the door that ends with "I said I'll be RIGHT THERE," without having anyone make a cameo appearance, and - God help me - without anyone sitting on my lap.

Is it really so much to ask for?

[gretchen]

First, I have to say that I laughed out loud all through The Office last night. And yes, the laughing out loud is good for your soul.

What I've found hard about being a mom... The never-ending feeling of always being on your guard. Listening for every thump, cough, or cry to analyze whether it's a problem- whether someone's choking or tearing a page out of a book or sliding magnetic alphabet letters under the fridge. Never sleeping the way I used to because I always have one ear open for the monitor. I have a sinking feeling that even when your kid is 20 you still are on alert like this.

[Laura]

I truly believe that a person knows NOTHING about their spouse until they have a child. Really. You might think you do, but it is amazing the kind of stuff you find out when you finally have one. For me it was a role reversal. I went from being uptight to laid back (how can you be uptight with a baby?) and my husband did the opposite. HOW are we going to pay for college? Oh my GOD, we will have to pay for 2 weddings. Thank the LORD we didn't have boys - can you imagine our car insurance premiums? And so on.

I will have to check out Marrit's stuff. Another hysterical one is Anne Lamott. Her account of the frist year of her son's life is wonderful.