Let's Talk Hormones

The hormones! I'm talking about them nonstop lately. At least once a day Dave chimes in with, “How do you make a whore moan? Hmm?” I just ignore him, poor guy. Which is part of the issue.

One day I read Suzanne Somers’s book, Ageless. I was never a huge Suzanne Somers fan. Aside from Three’s Company, the last time I saw her was on an infomercial (some of you know about my infomercial weakness) when she and an obscenely buff dude talked me into buying a Body Row. When it  arrived, I hopped on and enthusiastically rowed for about three minutes and then it sat in turns, in my office, in front of the TV and in the basement where it collected dust and knocked me in the ankles whenever I tried to walk by. Its final resting place was the street in front of our house where snow fell and collected on the FREE sign a year ago Christmas until some hopeful heavy gal hauled it into the back of her sedan.

But after reading her book, I can say without question, Suzanne is a hero. It’s not the most eloquent read; she desperately needs an editor, one with a big fat red marker. She says the same thing over and over--the book could be about half the length. But no matter, the message is important. Women need bio-identicals and they need them fast.

Why do certain things take our country so long to get? Why only now are bio-identicals becoming available when women in France, for example, have been on them for the last fifty years? The same woman who are NOT dying of cancer at the rate of the menopausal counterparts in this country from the one-size fits all synthetic hormone replacement therapy that doctors have been prescribing along with a patronizing pat on the back for ages?

I’m not qualified to go into the medical details, to tackle the financial complexities of our prescription drug dealings but I will say that since bio-identicals by their very nature are individualized for each woman based on her own very specific hormone levels, there is no way for the drug companies to make a big buck. What it takes is old fashioned time and attention among the doctor, the patient and the compounding drug companies, a fine-tuning that involves testing and communication, retesting and more communication and the most critical piece of information comes from the patient, the woman, when she describes HOW SHE’S FEELING. The goal? For her to feel great. Not passable. Not okay. GREAT.

I have not been feeling great for the last few years. I went to my doctor but she was no help. Why test your levels, she asked? You’re not going to have any more children (ouch) so what’s the point? The message being, once you cease to be reproductive, your body’s chemistry doesn’t matter. Unless or until, of course, you get heart disease or depression or sleep disturbances or cancer and then POWIE they jump in with medications galore. The biggest being anti-depressants. You don’t feel well? Take zoloft or paxil.

Now. I’m not anti anti-depressants. I took zoloft during my recovery from my divorce twelve years ago and I tell you, I blessed those little pills each time I set them on my tongue. They saved my sanity. But I don’t think there’s anyone who’d disagree they can be overprescribed.

So, I read Suzanne’s book. It made sense. It provided information and most importantly, solutions. I found an Anti-Aging doctor (that’s what they’re called--not the best name since they’re not AGAINST aging, simply FOR aging in a healthier way), dribbled spit into my little tubes, drove a million miles to see this guy, read my current hormone levels, fell off the chair, got back on and went home and sat on the couch, waiting for my delivery the way Beegu watches Dave and Fluffy play in the yard when she’s been disallowed participation.

They came. They’re in a lotion form. I’ve been slathering them on for three days. I’ll keep you posted. I’m to use the current ones at the current doses for two months and then retest--or, re-spit.

I will say this. The test revealed what I knew. My levels are low. low low low. All of them. When I talked to my dealer, I mean, my doctor, he said, No wonder you’re not feeling well. Let’s take one: Testosterone. Now, I’ll wager a bet that my old Testosterone levels were, er, high. Not that y’all want to hear any details, but I will say, I’ve always been a big fan of sex. The ‘normal’ level for Testosterone can be as high as 55. Mine is 12. TWELVE.

No wonder my libido is out the window. I like the IDEA of sex but in actual practice? I’m in bed with my book and Dave comes sidling in and I look up with maternal warmth and some concern. Oh. Hello dear. Aw, you’re sweet, I say with a platonic tousle of his hair and then, Okay, bye bye! and back to my book I go. I can't help it. I’m just, well, sort of Barbi doll down there, all pink plastic and not much else. Not ALL the time. but more than I’d like. Certainly more than Dave likes.

How do you make your man moan?

Um. I’m reading.

But now! Now that I’m taking the magic hormones! I’m making a chart for Dave. Each time my levels go up, so do the goodies. He can climb on at 20, at 30 I'll bring in motion and sound, and at 40, he’s in for the blow job of his life. I'll spare you the details after that.

As much as I’m looking forward to revisiting the bedroom romps of my pre-perimenopausal days, it’s not all about sex. Estrodiol is involved in over 300 processes in the body. There are more Progesterone receptors in the brain than anywhere else in the body. As for Testosterone? The heart = receptor central.

How do you make Kyra moan?

Pass the hormones and I'll get back to you.

I’m aiming for overall vitality. It’s my vision. I’m Secretizing.

And slathering.

What about you? Where do you need to Secretize? I’d love to hear.

Comments

[Air Max]

People who are meant to be together will find their way back to each other. They may take detours, but they’re never lost

[Cheap Jordans]

One thing that surprised me in my own happiness project is the truth of the proposition that Novelty and challenge bring happiness~

[air jordan]

It really a useful idea.I will have a tiral of this idea as soon as possible as have already frustrated by them for a long time.Thank you very much for your continously post of effective tips.

[Acai Powder]

Nice bog you have here. I pretty much lurk the internet when I'm bored and read all I can about the organic lifestyle, but I really liked you view on things. I'll bookmark the site and subscribe to the feed!

[mishele]

Nice effect.e

[otuyi]

Hi our little brothers.i

[Kim]

O, super project.e

[Amanda]

Thank you very much.i

[Helga]

Awesome!!!2

[Pamela K]

Has anyone died from taking bioidenticals? My friend will try anything, and she claims that she feels better than she has in ten years. What about the women in France who have been taking them for 50 years? Any incidence of increased (or unexpected) problems. I'm getting desperate as my mid section increases in girth. HELP!

[Keno]

Really perfect!l

[Moi ;)]

LOL the reason you would be thinner if you went to bed earlier is because you wouldn't spend that time chowing down in front of the tube.... ;D

[Moi ;)]

Kyra, Please, just be careful with this stuff. Too TOO many women under the age of 50 are being diagnosed with breast cancer every year. TOO many women are going through perimenopause earlier and earlier..... Many of these women have taken some kind of hormone/bio identical/etc. for birth control, or to deal with perimenopause.....

I know from experience, when I was Dxed with BC two years ago, we were all stunned, because it Isn't in our family...

Then I found out about the estrogen/BC connection. No one tells you not to take soy, either - but it's been linked to BC, too - it has a lot of estrogen-imitating qualities. I took a crapload of soy. Been suffering with the peri and the flashes for 9 years and I am DONE (yay lol)!!!! (someone told me that you can have hot flashes until you are 80, oh JOY....)

I suffered through 10 years of menopause mostly without any help except for the soy. (if you call that help, lol...it was fairly worthless....) I also had progesterone cream, but got rid of it. My sex life isn't what it was when I was 20, but so what? I am still here. A lot of other women aren't so lucky. My son needs me too much for me to rely on anything med-wise or bioidentical, just because I'm flashing or because of sex....screw it, I'll sweat. ;)

[Erin]

At almost 7 weeks post partum, my husband and I are both anxious for me to start feeling like myself again. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever really want sex the way that I used to. Damn hormones.

[Vicki Forman]

Halleluah. Keep us posted. Now I'm ready to get mine tested too. Whoopee!

[kyra]

hi mary beth,
well, the book is entirely about bio-identical hormones, so no, she doesn't talk about other anti-aging strategies at length other than to advocate for a healthy lifestyle, exercise, yoga, meditation, organic foods, and SLEEP, the single biggest gift we can give ourselves. and not just at any time. she says the body needs 2 to 3 hours of sleep BEFORE midnight in order to make its own hormones and other biochemicals it needs necessary repairs, etc. she claims that if you did nothing differently except get to bed between 9 and 10 each night, after a year you'd be unquestionably healthier and even, yes, thinner.

her book includes interviews with doctors from various disciplines who give their recipe for optimal health and they all say bio-identicals are one of the essential ingredients for the older woman, regardless of a history of cancer in the family, including breast cancer. of course, who's she going to include in the book? only those that agree with her, critics might say. but the science seems to support this. it's the old one-stop shopping synthetic hormones of old that are the culprit for cancers for women, the over prescribing of estrogen, even the 'wrong' kind of estrogen (there are three different kinds) without any regard for the appropriate BALANCE among ALL the hormones, especially the progesterone/estrogen balance, that play a critical and PROTECTIVE role in our bodies.

but who am i to say what's right for anyone else? it's worth a read, if only to take the question to your trusted health care providers. i'm all for opening up discussions.

[Mary Beth]

Does the book mention any alternatives to hormones? My mother (God Bless her) is a breast cancer survivor and as such hormones are not an option for me and my younger sister. I am dreading the day when my libido takes a nosedive!

[Phoebe]

Ha! Dave's chart had me snorting, and I couldn't tell the 7yo "what's so funny Mommy?"

/delurk

[amy]

Oh, my god. Oh, what a great post. I will have to make a note so I don't forget this in ten years, although, my cycle was wacky last month and I'm already worried I'll have early menopause because my period started late and I'm pretty sure those two things are connected, late start, early finish (which doesn't seem fair, does it?).

I love how straightforward you are. God bless ya, we all need that.

[Alice]

Wow, I stopped by your blog thinking about autism and RDI, but you were talking about other matters which are also currently obsessing me.

Could I possibly use the whole bioidentical thing as an excuse to fly to Paris? Hmmmmm.

[Joel S]

that part about the blowjob was hilarious. My Mom recently went onto hormones. Her cycle had stopped but docs insisted she wasn't menopausal. She pointed out that this was a problem, go figure eh? Anyways, now she's always telling me about how badly she needs a man. It's funny in a strange sort of way.

[susan]

OK, I will read the Suzanne Somers book, but ONLY because you recommended it. Plus I'll have to hide it from my book club, because I couldn't stand the teasing!

A thought: maybe it needs editing because she actually wrote it and didn't have a ghostwriter, which is promising.

I'll let you know what I think.

S.