me, the idiot

i was making dinner. it was 4:30. fluffy and i had just returned from our afternoon at the playground and a trip to the grocery store for dinner supplies. dave was outside, spreading the mulch. beegu was lurking, licking all available surfaces. french fries were in the oven. fluffy was on the rug, a pirate puzzle pieces strewn about.

the phone rang. i answered it.

what was i thinking?

i rarely answer the phone when i’m with fluffy. it just doesn’t work. but today, i did answer it. happily, it was my dear friend, kim.

kim had a story to tell. fluffy interrupted in a steady stream. the timer went off. i paused my conversation to check on the fries. fluffy wanted them right then, assuring me they were ready. i said, close but they needed three more minutes. i reset the timer, said i’d be off the phone when they were done and went back to patient kim. when i turned around, fluffy was pulling at his fingers and the oven was now set for 10 minutes.

i paused the conversation again to deal with this breach of behavior and the exasperation mounted as fluffy whipped out every verbal trick in the book--he really IS a supreme negotiator (which made me remember my 6th grade teacher who called me f. lee bailey) AND i let myself get caught up in the whole, complicated discussion rather than pull down the sash of mommy silence and wear the serious expression of thin lips and high eyebrows.

the timer reset again to now two minutes, i returned to the ever-saintly kim only to see fluffy, from the other side of the kitchen island, fling an opened bag of grated parmesan cheese to and fro like a cheerleader, sending a pound of romano down in a three-foot radius, like lusty italian snow.

i lost it.

GOD DAMN IT! i yelled, hanging up on kim and ushering fluffy and beegu, now under a coat of cheese, out the front door. i shut the door and stormed back to the scene of the crime, sticky beige footprints trailing behind me. i could hear fluffy outside, yelling something to dave.

a few minutes later, he appeared on the back porch, nearly in tears.

it turns out, while fluffy and i had been arguing about the oven timer, beegu had wrangled the bag of cheese off the counter and was helping herself to slobbery mouthfuls. fluffy saw it and snatched the bag out of her mouth, inadvertently showering the house with its contents. it also turns out, the front door latch turned when i shut it.

let’s recap: my son rescued our food from the dog's filthy mouth. i swore at him and then locked him out of the house.

proud times.

we’ve been talking about swearing a lot lately. now, i LOVE to swear but i’ve been miraculously restrained in front of my son and therefore, the only swears he knows are god damn it (dave) and hell (unknown). he didn’t even know hell was a swear word. he thought it was a place. well, it is a place, i said. and then he learned some words could be swears or not, depending. perhaps the most exciting thing that came out of that conversation was that one CAN say, “God damed that man to hell” but one CANNOT say, “God damn that man to hell” a distinction fluffy’s gone over many many many times.

the events provided a juicy opportunity to talk about everyone’s point of view, what it looked like from my side of the counter, what it looked like on his side, what it might have been like for beegu, how it felt to my son when he thought i purposely locked him out of his home, how it felt to me when i thought of him on the other side of the door, trying in vain to gain entry. i apologized and apologized. we laughed about how shocking the whole thing was, even for poor kim whom i called back to offer explanations and more apologies.

the good news? fluffy was remarkably flexible through it all and the Family Swear Jar was born. it sits on the counter in a dusty patch of cheese, two shiny quarters it its belly. my penalty.

the end.

Comments

[kyra]

wow. thanks to you ALL for identifying, commenting, and pulling me up off the floor!

i have lost it before and i'll lose it again, i'm sure. i'll just keep apologizing to fluffy and hopefully he'll learn that everyone makes mistakes. in fact, i'd never intentionally lose it, but i think it does provide a real opportunity to learn about our human-ness, our limits, and how to make repairs, as long as we talk about it and keep it on the open.

[mothersvox]

You, an idiot? Nonsense! I just blogged over at Autism's Edges about the spring fever everyone is having. I lost it over a bottle of liquid soap! Hey, we all lose it, we're people.

[kate]

I think you are such a FABULOUS WRITER. This is a wonderful post, my dear. You captured it all.

My favorite new "swear word" is Holy Kit-Kats! (A joyful sort of thing.) I'm not as pleased with gosh darnit, because it just doesn't have the kick of my pre- kid swearing. Alas.

[melody]

Gee, you've just described a few episodes from my life with my special boys. We all "lose it"...it's called being a human mom. But like you, I beat myself up quite a bit over these moments and all the while my boys are forgiving. Still, it isn't the way I want to ever respond, and it certainly is not THE way to respond, but it is human.

Have a good day. :)

[~ danielle]

you are not an idiot, you are a human. Fluffy will forgive you, he probably already has.

[melinda]

WOW....I can so relate to this post!

[Beth]

Please don't call yourself an idiot :-(

We have, all of us, had BadMama moments.

[Lora]

I am with Wendy, I need more patience and I agree that you're NOT an idiot. We all lose our temper and no one is perfect. So take a deep breath, relax, and know that you are an incredible mommy to Fluffy!

[kristina]

Getting mad at our kids and at ourselves if all part of it----that parenting thing! I've had people tell me that how could I get made at Charlie---he does things and "how can he understand?"----But of course he very much does!

[John Elder Robison]

Moms like you are the best. When I was little, and my brother - Snort or Varmint, I called him - would fling food, I'd chain him up in the basement so I'd be safely away from his messes.

I'm sure - even if you swear a little bit - you would never chain Fluffy to the oil tank.

And look at my brother now. He turned out just fine. We even build houses right next to each other three years ago.

He usually behaves OK now. He never throws food.

[Vicki Forman]

I'm with Kim. Everyone needs to drop a big old f-bomb every once in a while. You go girl.

[Mamaroo]

I have turned my "shit" into "sugar" while around the kids, but I have been known to let a "shit" slip out once and a while.

[Astreil]

I'm laughing and crying right along with you! I'm glad everything resolved itself.

[a mommy]

We all lose it sometimes. It's just HARD to get it all done, especially with the constraints in question. Talking about it is the key, I think. I have read situations wrong and punished my sweet ones unjustly many times. Good news is, I think we can all remember things like this happening to us - and we're still talking to our parents and mostly well adjusted (well, most of us anyway).

I also swear like a sailor, and have been working very hard not to in front of the children. Though I think there are worse things in the world than them knowing swear words exist and that they aren't nice and that mommy does things occasionally that are not nice.

[david]

gosh darn entertaining post!

[Zoely]

we have a theortical swear jar which, if we used it, would claim ALL of my income.

[KC'sMommy]

I lose it alot! I am horrible with the swearing and Big Brother has joined the ranks of swearers as well. It's a habit for me and a stress reliever.
It was just a misunderstanding is all, you are an awesome Mom, don't be so hard on yourself :)

[Club 166]

You mean I'm not the only person that loses it occasionally?

I feel so much better now.

Thanks!

[kim]

Fucking hell. You are flexible, too. Please remind me to put a fiver in that cock sucking Swear Jar when I get up there.

[JanB]

It is good for your kids to hear you say that you did something wrong and are sorry. A lot of parents won't go there, but I have found over and over that kids are very forgiving and it makes it easier for them to say it to others.

I once got mad because one of the kids left out the flour and for whatever reason threw it across the room where it flew everywhere. Turns out they were trying to make cookies. For me.

Bad Mommy. We all have those days.

[Wendy]

I've had so many moments like this. It doesn't take much for me to lose my temper. If there's anything I've ever wanted more of...it's patience. I just don't have any. So, like you, I end up apologizing and apologizing for screaming when it wasn't necessary. But I also think we have a lot more on our plates than most people. And I also think you're a wonderful mommy and one mommy mistake every once in awhile is to be expected. No one's perfect.

And you're not an idiot.