Sleeping and Dancing

When I make a movie about a family raising a child with Asperger’s, I will end it with a scene at a family dance straight out of the event we attended last night. It will be the scene when the parents are experiencing a kind of community and kinship as much as the kids, where the parents look around at the jumping and twirling and giggling kids, at the formal ‘tween in his blue sports coat snapping photos as arm’s length, at the other parents who never dreamed this is where they’d be on a Friday night and this is where they love being, in the small, dimly lit facility that could really use a handful of benefactors to beef up the supply closets and dig a foundation for much-needed expansion.

The dance was held at the center where Fluffy takes gymnastics, a center where special needs and NT kids participate in small classes together under the guidance of a lovely instructor who is, so far, the perfect mix of boundaries, high kicks, and good cheer. It was the first time we had been out for such an evening and Fluffy was thrilled. I could feel his excitement and anticipation as we loaded into the car, at 7:30 in the pee em, under the indigo sky, clear but not yet gleaming with any stars. It’s so dark out! he said to our headrests.

When we pulled up to the center, he raced to the window; the thumping of music and feet reverberated through the glass. He grabbed my hand and pulled me in through the front door, the hallway, and into the gym where a group of about fifteen kids jumped and squealed and rolled around. We began dancing immediately.

We danced and jumped and rolled and cartwheeled with bathroom breaks and a quick trip to the snack table where Fluffy gleefully scored two chocolate chip cookies. Back on the dance floor, a boy about Fluffy’s age hovered nearby, and every so often, zoomed perilously close on his way to crash into the floor mats hung up on the wall for this very purpose. Just before we left, he raced up to Fluffy and engulfed him in a passionate embrace. Fluffy smiled.

After dancing for about a half hour, Fluffy said, Is it time to go? which meant, yes and so we left but not before saying goodbye to his gymnastics teacher whom he passionately embraced. In the car on the way, Fluffy brought up the boy who continually crashed into the wall mats nearby, the boy who later hugged him and smiled close to his face. That’s his way of saying hi I said. I know that, said Fluffy. I noticed he was watching me. I think he was interested in you, I said. Yes, mommy, I think so, too, he said. You know, mom, if he had said to me, hey, do you want to dance with me? I would have said yes.

By the time we got home, the sky was a deep blacky blue and the stars were wide awake, Cassiopeia clearly visible, its lazy W stretched out on its side. We brushed teeth and got into pjs, read the first chapter of The Wizard of Oz with Lisbeth Zwerger’s exquisitely fanciful illustrations and after one last piggy back ride to the bathroom for one last pee of the night, it was lights out.

I put new glow-in-the-dark stars on Fluffy’s new bedroom ceiling. We snuggled under their soft light and listened to the whale calls in the reiki cd we listen to each night, but only for a short while because Fluffy’s so big now, he can fall asleep on his own. We talked about it the night before, this bigness he has now, this place inside him where he can feel calm and peaceful all by himself. He says it’s fully operational. He says, all he has to do is go completely into his break section and he can fall asleep without me. The place that knows how to calm down when he’s upset is not so operational, he told me, that place still needs me, that place is still developing. That’s okay, I said, it will grow, just like the bedtime place.

Goodnight, I said, giving him one last hug and kiss. Will you stay and cuddle a little more? he asked. No, sweetheart. Mommy has to do other things now. You can fall asleep on your own now. I’m so proud of you. You can call me if you need me.

And I left.

And did other things.

And he didn’t call for me.

And he woke up this morning happy and strong, marched outside to the new driveway and drew two beautiful stick people in thick pink chalk--near, but not next to, each other.

Six years and eight months of laying by my son or under my son or half under and half beside my son until he fell asleep, feeling at turns, glad I could provide that safety and comfort and entirely trapped and enraged by my own inadequacy in the realm of creating healthy infant/toddler/child sleep habits.

And now he has them.

Yes; let's dance.

Comments

[mel from freak parade]

I was so happy when I saw you had updated in my feedreader.

Fluffy is far and away my favorite little guy to read about. He is so amazingly profound. You must just be in awe everyday.

Hooray for going to sleep on his own. That is awesome!

[Casdok]

I will dance with you!

[Niksmom]

Outstanding...all of it. The sky, the dancing and the "crashing boy," the big boy at bed time. Life is beautiful when we take the time to see it, isn't it? And Mom? You done good.

I've missed you, Kyra. Fluffy, too!

[drama mama]

Jesus. Can you please make the film already? Or write the book? I am dancing and crashing myself, knowing how HUGE this is for both of you. He is indeed a big boy. And dancing. All of you. Dancing With the Stars.

[Steph]

What a wonderful, wonderful post! I do love your writing.

[~ danielle]

what a happy surprise to skip by here (I swear, I don't check EVERY day) and see a post from you, horray! what a *huge* step for you and Fluffy. Bub is on his way there too, in fact tonight I didn't even have to be on the same floor of the house and there was singing and "bed time exercises" and finally just quiet. I wonder if some of it (a teeny tiny part of it) is just plain old natural maturity, yk? It's so hard to pick through all the AS stuff and figure out what would have just happened anyway, isn't it? Regardless, a very treasured milestone indeed.

[Jenn, mom to 2]

Aw, I'm so happy for you, and for Fluffy too!

This is such a big accomplishment!

You captured it so eloquently. It brought tears to my eyes.

[RF]

This is my first time reading your blog and it is wonderful. I love the fact that your son has made that big step. We have the same night dilemma here but I just remind myself that they are only small for a short time in the spectrum of time.
Congrats on the BIG STEP!

[kristen]

Kyra, so good to see you again. And it's always so lovely to read the wisdom and strength that is Fluffy. You guys make me smile. Again and again. And sometimes you make me cry, but always, always, you give me hope.
xx
k

[Barbara]

Tears are streaming down my face! What a beautiful boy you have and how lucky he is to have you for a Mom. Truly inspirational. You must be so proud.

Peace!

[kate]

This brought tears to my eyes. How wonderful, for all of you. This is a huge step. Go Fluffy! (And as always, your writing is graceful and absolutely brought the scenes alive for me!)

[Christine]

Oh, Kyra! I've been thinking about you, looking for you, missing your writing! I hope this posting means you're back because I know I'm not alone when I say I've been watching this spot. And wishing you well. I'm so glad you and fluffy are well.

xoxo

[bombaygirl]

Very beautiful. I look forward to that day with my son. Though I know that I will miss the need that he has for me right now.

[camerashymomma]

oh so sweet. congratulations to both of you for crossing that threshold. that growth, safety, and comfort. beautiful words of knowledge by fluffy and beautiful writing by you!

[karen in ca]

Your post made me so happy. What Fluffy said about the boy asking him to dance made me cry. Thank you for using your writing talents to inspire me.

xoxo

[Lori at Spinning Yellow]

This is wonderful! It is so great to read about you and Fluffy again, I've missed you both. So glad you were able to enjoy the dancing, the stars, and sleeping. Hooray!

[Vicki Forman]

That's just lovely.

[Mom]

Wowie. That means you're precariously close to having someone else put him to bed and that opens up so many possibilities. Congratulations honey. You did it and so did he!!! Love you,

[Kim]

OMG. It's so good to read your writing again. And you know you give me hope. Much love,
Me

[Anamaria]

Wow. I think I know how huge that is. And I'm celebrating it with you! Then inviting Fluffy over to teach Leo all about it. Love love to you all.