Another trip around the sun with my son

Family portrait; Ashfield Fall Festival; October, 2008.

Sometimes I think the perfect situation would be to have two kids: one typical and one like my darling Fluffy.

In my imagination, the typical, easy child would provide the feedback that I am not defective as a parent, that I have the ability to guide and teach, discipline affectively, shepherd my child towards his own, incrementally independent life through the baby steps of sitters, playgroups, preschool, elementary school, and the land of overnights elsewhere—friend’s house, relatives, summer camp, etc.,etc. I could finally be a member of the Parents of Typical Children Club with all its requisite ease and normalcy along with the trials and irritations, challenges and quirks that everyone has to certain degrees since, as far as I can tell from this side of the plexi-glass, no child is a disney prince or princess.

Continuing along in the la la land of my imagination, parenting the Fluffy child would provide what it has all along: the discovery that nothing is what you thought it would be, the freedom and fear that such a discovery can bring, the experience of having the ground ripped out from under you just as you think you are getting your bearings, the opportunity for developing inner strength and fortitude like those characters in myths and fairy tales, the ones who wander alone, underground, searching for their hands.

I would have it both ways. I would stretch and see things I could never have seen before. I would let go of old judgments and certainties and fall straight into the pit of what most parents fear: something’s is going on with your child that may profoundly affect their entire life, livelihood and happiness and you may or may not be able to fix it, ie, give them a life that is better than yours. I would have a toe in the door to other people’s struggles. I wouldn’t *get * it all but I would get a lot more than I ever could have before.

But I would also *get * the other side, the ‘regular’ side. 

I wouldn’t have to brace against someone else’s child’s success. I wouldn’t feel that stick in my throat that appears when Fluffy veers wildly off course and I don’t know how to lasso him back to the track. I wouldn’t feel the ground beneath me rumble when I see the judgment and criticism of my son’s behavior or of my parenting. That’s when I veer off. I try not to. I work hard to stay calm, focused, good humored, resilient, to stay in the moment and FAR away from comparisons, worry, fear, hurt, anger.

But it’s hard.

And when the shit hits the fan, which it did over Christmas, in my imagination, with the two kids and the two worlds and the two points of view and me straddling the divide, I would be able to keep my balance, hold my tongue and wait it out, wait until the storm inside me passes with all the flying debris before I gather my words.

Tomorrow is a new day, a new month, a new year. Outside, fat flakes of snow steadily fall, covering the bare trees and triangular roof tops with soft and fantastically complicated designs, invisible to the naked eye. Imagine, that’s what the cold did to uniform and ordinary water droplets. 

Howard Glasser is my new hero. His Nurtured Heart Approach feels like the answer we’ve been looking for since the fall. We began a few weeks ago but we will begin again now, in this new year, with a new parent training class and his most recent book. I even found a class for Fluffy at a center whose staff has been trained in the Nurtured Heart style of teaching.

Glasser’s main point is to look at the way we choose to radiate energy. That’s the key. He says, many times a day, look at what is happening with your child and find the ways you can accuse them of success, over and over. What is happening that can be held up as a success? What isn’t happening that can be held up as a success? Keep creating these moments of success, what he calls the Time In, so that, in time, your child develops a deep and abiding and truer sense of self that will then, naturally, manifest everywhere.

Glaser calls the Nurtured Heart a spiritual intervention. I love that. I have a feeling this will help me come up from underground. I have a feeling it will help me find my hands. And when that happens, I don’t think I’ll have as much use for the perfect parenting situation of my imagination. The truth is, when I feel as if my own life makes sense, when I feel as if I am finding my own, perfectly imperfect expression of my one wild and wonderful life right here, nothing sticks in my throat and the ground is warm and steady beneath my feet.

Here’s to another trip around the sun with my son, myself, my man, my family, and my friends in the physical, and the virtual, world. 

Happy 2009. 

Comments

[Air Max]

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[Cheap Air Max 2012]

As a result, those older generations are likely to deem any behaviors different from their own experiences as unacceptable and due to their seniority they are able to express their judgments on various occasions. On the contrary, the post-80 and -90 generations can not voice their opinions in a society dominated by the older generations. Secondly, admittedly, part of the post-80 and -90 college students fit into the negative image, but they can not represent all the college students. According to our experience, there are students who are obsessed with computer games, who spend a lot of time keeping love affairs, and who spend money in an extravagant manner. In comparison with these students, the majority of the post-80 and -90 students can fit into an ideal model of college students. Some absorb themselves in the library all day long. Some take part-time jobs in their spare time to pay for tuition fees. Some voluntarily go to the remote areas to teach poverty-stricken students. I was wondering why the media do not provide more reports of those positive aspects of the post-80 and -90 generation college students.

[Þorgerður Jörundsdóttir]

Thank you for a very informative blog. I am trying to understand the rdi lifestyle and implementing it. unfortunately I do not have access to rdi consultants. But my son will receive aba in play school. I want to add rdi into the household and I am dooing my best to get the crucial points. I would really like to get info on some literature or games that could clarify things.
Greetings from Iceland
Þorgerður

[Sara Lymberis]

Kyra,

Thank you so much for your wonderful posts. I have done RDI with my son for 2 years and we have "graduated". I am looking into the NH approach now and have just ordered the dvd's. I think it will be great for all of my kiddos. Thank you for sharing your experiences and insights! Best wishes for a wonderful 2009!

[Susan McLeod]

Hello This Mom!

I wanted to let you know that Howard Glasser has an online learning center: www.energyparenting.com. If you would like access, email me at [email protected]

Blessings,
Susan McLeod,
aka EnergyMom

[Alison]

One NT, one not, one to be determined. Always worried, always working, always amazed when something I've done influences one of them in a positive way.

[Michelle O'Neil]

I couldn't help but laugh when I got to the first sentence of the second paragraph. I've got one of each and though I would not trade either one on bad days it means a never ending "not enough of me to go around" for either of their needs.

Half an ass in both worlds.

But I do understand the longing. The hope of not being judged. I get what you are saying.

I think you are an amazing mom. An amazing woman. I love what I'm hearing about the NH approach and I will be looking into it. Thank you for sharing.

BTW...awesome photo. You guys are beautiful.

[Kristina]

sending warm and heartfelt vives your way---perfect post to welcome the new year.

[kyra]

happy new year and thank you, christine and em for your insights into the world of parenting the NT and the non-NT child! you are both so right--this combination brings its own set of struggle and puzzles and challenges. my hats off to you and others who are straddling the lines!

ALL parenting is a journey, yes? and all kids are unique. what can any of us really know of the other person's experience?

the NH approach is so wonderful. may i say it again? my new fantasy, and perhaps one that serves me much more, is to find or start a Nurtured Heart school. the ones in arizona sound so inspiring! here's a link to some research:

http://www.nurturedheartkids.com/research

kim, jess, gretchen, niksmom--thanks so much for stopping by with your wonderful words of support!

my big fat blessings to everyone for a year filled with things and experiences that makes your hearts sing.

[christine]

It's a journey, isn't it? But unlike a trip around the sun, this journey of parenting and discovery of ourselves just doesn't end in a place. There are no markers to say: "You are there!" And anyway, wouldn't life be dull if we got "there"? Tho' I could probably use more dull somedays :-) Anyway, as the mother of more than one child I will tell you that the confluence of NT and Not brings with it quite a bit of its own kind of struggle. My Sami is quite a little guy but shepharding him through life in our family brings its own kind of heartbreak and joy.

Anyway, I can't wait to see what the new year brings for all of us :-)

[niksmom]

Weel, I think you're a wondeful parent even when it might not look or feel very wonderful. Truly.

WIshing you and your whole family a 2009 full of vibrancy, joyful and meaningful discovery, peace, and a strengthening of the love which radiates from within. xoxo

[Em]

Great photo!

And I totally understand your fantasy of the two-child lifestyle. That other kid would ground you in some sense of reality.

Or so it seems. And it does happen that way at times with our other kids. But it also means soooo many struggles when they won't invite friends over because of their brother. When they get teased at school because of their brother. When they lose our attention when he needs so much. Etc.

Every coin has two sides. And it sucks that it can't always come up "heads". :)

[Betty and Boo's Mommy]

That's a great photo, and a great post. I've been reading for a few weeks (maybe longer?) now and really enjoy your blog. Happy 2009 to you and your family. Looking forward to continuing reading about your journey.

[gretchen]

I am in love with Fluffy in this picture. He is gorgeous!

Here's to another year on the mama-path together.

[jess wilson]

perfect

may you find every bit of what you seek

or see that you already have it

much love and best wishes for this next trip round the sun

[Kim]

I'm so glad you are finding something that makes sense and I'm so glad you found a class for him. I love you and I'm here for you and I think you are amazing.